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But often our only response is,  "They are resilient."

A gentle light of hope can begin to shine in your grieving soul. 

There's NEVER a good time for suicide,  but December may be the worst.

What should you do when hosting a holiday dinner or event when you or someone attending is grieving a profound loss? Many magazines give beautiful tips for creating a festive setting for the holiday gathering of friends and family. Recipes, decorations and ideas abound. But, they don't seem to provide the ideas on how to grieve through the holidays. Grief can make these celebrations awkward at Christmas! The granddaughter who cries because this is the first Christmas without grandpa might be accused of being a drama queen and taking away everyone's joy. "Don't ruin Christmas for the rest of us!" "I just can't feel cheerful. I miss her so much and she made Christmas so special," says the husband who lost his wife a few months earlier. It is not right to avoid mentioning the one who is not there this year. Then how do we recognize what makes us so sad when we are trying to be cheerful? Here are three ideas and four resources/books to help the perfect host know what to do . 1. MAKE A NEW TRADITION. Actually, there are SIXTEEN ideas for new traditions in this wonderful article on the What's Your Grief? website. Click HERE to read it. Ideas including food, music, tablecloths, candles and a lot more can provide an appropriate celebration. 2. EXPECT PEOPLE TO RESPOND DIFFERENTLY . Be careful not to try to produce nor expect the same reaction from everyone . Whatever you do, people will respond differently, and that is appropriate. Following are two quotes that support this truth. The host may add the books that the quotes come from to their library of cookbooks, to be fully prepared for the nuances of a holiday celebration. "Keep in mind there has never been a loss precisely like yours." (James E. Miller in How Will I Get Through The Holidays, p. 7). "One expression of hospitality you can give others this holiday season is the gift of recognizing that grief has many formats and forms of expression." Harold Ivan Smith in A Decembered Grief , p. 23 His book is filled with great ideas. 3. FOCUS YOUR HOSPITALITY ON THEM . Sure, you want to put your "best-foot-forward" and you hope people will enjoy themselves and want to come back to your house. But, when your energy goes into how they feel more than is-everything-perfect, it probably will be perfect. Pray this prayer from Wendy Beckett's book, ' A Child's Book of Prayer in Art. (p. 29). "Please give me a loving heart that tries to understand how other people feel." This year the holidays will be different. Accepting that and giving everyone the opportunity to express their feelings in their way will help the gathering be meaningful and wonderful, even if the view of the decorations is blurred by tears. I hope this helps you or the person you are helping, have an amazing holiday season and care better than ever before. Because your care matters!

In the book, A Decembered Grief , (p.54-55) Harold Ivan Smith offers the surprising gift of forgiveness to a person grieving at Christmas. "There was a woman who practiced 'forgiveness praying.' Each day she would specifically forgive someone--until she ran out of people to forgive. Moreover, she was to follow up her prayer by doing a practical act to show that her forgiveness was real--such as writing a letter, making a phone call, offering a gift, trying to restore a broken relationship. Some people cannot get to the work of grief because they are so busy reciting and rehashing the injustices, slights and failures of people, some of which are unforgivable if not unforgettable. Sometimes the griever must make the first move in restoring the injury. Consider giving generous gifts of forgiveness--to yourself for not visiting the nursing home more often, for being too sharp in criticizing other family members who you believe failed to pull their weight. Forgive those who offer faux pas' statements that hurt more than soothe. Forgive your loved one for not taking the doctor's advice. Forgive God for 'taking' your loved one." If you are having a hard time finding the words to pray a forgiving prayer, perhaps the following prayer, also found in A Decembered Grief , may help. 'Lord Jesus Christ, I ask today for Your help that I may forgive everyone in my life who has hurt me. I know that You will give me strength to forgive... Lord Jesus, I especially pray for the grace of forgiveness for that ONE PERSON who has hurt me most. I ask to forgive anyone whom I consider my greatest enemy, the one who is the hardest to forgive or the one whom I said I would never forgive. Thank You, Jesus, that Your will is to free to me from the evil of unforgiving.' -Anonymous prayer in How to Pray When Life Hurts, ( p.34,36-37). Forgiveness might be too soon for some grieving people, but for many, it is the necessary gift to lighten the heart and soul weighed down by the wrongs they have experienced. Helping them find that gift is of value beyond measure. I hope this surprising gift will be a great addition to your skills and resources of caring for others so you will care better than ever before. Your care matters .

"We might ask, however, whether mass communication directed to millions of people who experience themselves as small, insignificant, powerless individuals does not in fact do more harm than good..." (Compassion, A Reflection on the Christian Life, Nouwen, McNeill and Morrison, p.51.) The main problem is not that we know more, nor even that there are more crises that disturb our senses, even though that is tragic. Our main problem is that we feel less and less significant and unable to do anything about it--or not much. Everyone needs to do something. I'm thankful for the Red Cross, Samaritan's Purse, Tunnel to Towers Foundation and other opportunities to get involved and send help. The agency that I choose to support is Tavriski Christian Institute (TCI). I feel informed by people who are involved, connected to the pain, involved and focused with my prayers and giving, and maybe somehow, someday, even my service. TCI was based in Kherson, a city in southern Ukraine. The students and staff evacuated as the Russian soldiers occupied their city and campus. The soldiers moved into the dormitories and are now using them for their own housing. The TCI staff, now scattered throughout Ukraine and Europe continues to do the work of ministry. I am proud to report that my church in Highlands Ranch, CO, Mountainview Christian Church, is the worldwide headquarters for financial donations to TCI. ( Click here to donate . Follow the designation drop-down-box to Missions, TCI, Ukraine). The church is also working to give updates. Click here for a recent Zoom meeting from boots-on-the-ground in Ukraine and hear about God's protection from bullets and bombs, delivery of food and rescue of people including 57 children by our brother's and sisters in Christ--from the real people (not a TV network). Click here for a YouTube video . This ministry is working to provide food for hundreds of people in church basements and other places of shelter. Valentin Siniy, president of TCI and host of the Zoom meeting (there is an interpreter), via the following email, reports on current needs and requests for help. I think through our updates you have a pretty good understanding of our current situation. TCI is now working with 20 organizations and groups in Ukraine, trying to coordinate help to them. However, we see a big problem approaching our region and we want to raise the awareness of our partners about it. We see that a major hunger problem is approaching the South of Ukraine. While most of the help goes to the North of the country, we are seriously concerned about the occupied South. We want to send a couple of big trucks of food, as soon as the window of opportunity opens for Kherson and the region. We want all food to be ready and loaded to heat the road immediately. In order to have this food ready we need to raise the funds quickly and find ways of delivering this food. Please keep praying for us and the ministry we do in the name of Jesus Christ to our fellow Christians and our neighbors who are suffering from the war and do not have basic means to survive. Valentin Siniy President of TCI Nouwen, McNeill and Morrison, in Compassion go on to teach, "When there is no community that can mediate between world needs and personal responses, the burden of the world can only be a crushing burden. When the pains of the world are presented to people who are already overwhelmed by the problems in their small circle of family or fiends, how can we hope for a creative response? What we can expect is the opposite of compassion: numbness and anger." (Ibid.) When you care for individuals in your ministry and when you help people care for others, you build a community of care. Your work helps the care receiver, the care giver, our churches and our community, by empowering people to make a difference. People are spiritually, emotionally and mentally healthier when they are caring for others. Your care matters! Your life matters, Chaplain Dan Rev. Daniel R. Hettinger 303.905.0478

Helen's care for people exceeded all expectations. We worked together during the night shift at our hospice. For some reason, from 1-3 am seemed to be prime time for people to pass from this life into the next. Our roles were different but we often worked together during those difficult hours. Our hospice set the bar on providing dignity to those at the end of life and following their passing. We did not use body bags or toe tags. Their ride to the mortuary was an honored escort in the transport vehicle--they were the only patient. The face of the deceased was not covered until they were ready to enter the transport vehicle. It was my job to oversee this process. The CNAs (Certified Nursing Assistants) would prepare the body to be transported. After the passing, usually the family would step out of the room to give the CNA room to work. Fresh bedding would often be put on the bed. The body would be bathed and then dressed in fresh bed clothes (occasionally street clothes) and tucked into a clean and orderly bed. With the head resting on a pillow and the hands folded over the patient, a small bouquet of flowers would be placed in their hands. All of our CNAs showed compassion to our patients and treated them with dignity, but Helen excelled above all. The family of the deceased said their farewell and committed this patient to our care. With the outside world asleep and no one watching, Helen worked in the early morning hours with the difficult and dramatic task of tending to a dead body. She did not know I saw her. I watched as Helen applied skin cream, gently and thoroughly, as we might to our own bodies after we take a hot bath or shower. Her work was angelic. Often I called her an angel as I raved about her work and the love that flowed from her hands as she cared for patients. Helen is a black woman. I don't know how that affects the way she works but I do know that no one else could do her job any better than she did. Her motive was to treat each patient with dignity but her actions were a tribute to hospice care, CNAs and her race. I've worked with many Black medical professionals including doctors, nurses, therapists, in home caregivers and CNAs, who deserve recognition for their work, especially during Black History Month Last week, at the end of February, I was going to use this story in the weekly Care Ministry Idea email. But, writing about prayer for Ukraine was an urgent need. So, five days late, this story still needs to be told to honor Helen and other black medical professionals who serve with skill and compassion. Take a moment to appreciate CNAs and black medical professionals that serve those in your care. When you care for people who care for people, your care matters. Your life matters, Chaplain Dan Rev. Daniel R. Hettinger 303.905.0478

"Do you feel the world is broken? 'We do.' Do you feel the shadows deepen? 'We do.' But do you know that all the dark won't stop the light from getting through? 'We do.' Do you wish that you could see it all made new? 'We do.' (Verse 1 from the song, "He is Worthy," by Andrew Peterson. You can listen here . There might be a brief add that you can skip.) We feel the darkness as we see immeasurable loss and suffering violently inflicted on a people. It is hard to imagine how the light can get through. Those who are in the line of fire ask us to pray. My church has been involved in missions in Ukraine and knows Ukrainians who have lived in Highlands Ranch, but now are back in Ukraine. From us, they request prayer. Please join us in praying for Ukraine's dire situation. "We are safe at the moment, but please pray for my family, but keep our names confidential." So, I will not mention them but the ages range from 4 years to elderly grandparents. Pray for the Rehab Ministry and safety for those who are still trying to get out. Pray that the ATM cards and banks will start reopening as there are people without money and the ability to buy food and gas to get out or stay put. Pray for Ukrainian friends who are in the U.S. and stressed over family and friends still in the Ukraine PRAY FOR PEACE IN UKRAINE We join David's prayer in Psalm 140 and insert the people of Ukraine... "Rescue those suffering from the trauma of war, oh Lord. Rescue them from evildoers; protect them from the violent who devise evil plans in their hearts and stir up war every day." Psalm 140:1. The normal suffering in our world is great and the needs are overwhelming. But, when there is the violence of war, the world seems to be broken beyond repair, the shadows deepen and conditions are ominously dark. But from the darkness we pray and invite God to shed his light and love into the darkness and do his redemptive work. When we care and when we pray, especially in the darkness, we join God as he does his work. Thank you for praying and caring for those around you and for others far away. Your prayers and your care matters. Your life matters, Chaplain Dan Rev. Daniel R. Hettinger 303.905.0478