It happens to everybody, including experienced Care Pastors.
You are caring for someone with overwhelming circumstances . Words fail you. The needs are beyond your abilities.
Something needs to be done, but what?
Not knowing what to do was the theme of this week for me.
A man who was in my church described his tongue and throat cancer and the side affects of his treatment. Texts and emails are how we communicate since he can't talk. All nourishment and fluids are given through a feeding tube. How can I help? What is the proper thing to say and what well-intended-stupid-statements do I need to avoid?
When a young friend called me I knew something must be wrong. It was the first time he ever called me.
"Hello! Great to hear from you. Is it good news?"
"Hi Dan. I'm glad to talk to you." Pause. "No, I'm afraid it is not good news."
One of his best friends was devastated at finding his father dead in his apartment. It was a string of losses for this family and he called my friend. Weeping and confused he did not know what to do next.
Nobody is prepared for that call, especially not a young person.
I'm glad he called me. There were a few logistical items that I had helped others with many times--coroner, mortuary selection, finding an officiant and planning a service. It was easy for me to help with those steps. Also, I was honored to coach the young man in the hard task of being present for his grieving friend.
When I was diagnosed my wife joined a Facebook Group for "Wives of Husbands with Cancer."
A member of that group shared this list of ideas. We should never intrude but sometimes we need to take initiative because an overwhelmed person does not know what to ask for. It is a delicate balance.
DON'T BE PARALYZED BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
1. BE PRESENT. That means more than you can measure.
2. LISTEN.
3. ASK FOR ADVICE. Cultivate at least a couple of fiends in Care Ministry--Fellow Care Pastors, Chaplains, Stephen Ministry Leaders...
4. DO SOMETHING after it becomes clear what to do.
5. PRAY Care is God's work. When you are giving care to someone, you are helping God do His work. Prayer helps you do God's work with God, not just for Him.
Being humble enough to know that you don't know everything is the place of wisdom. Caring effectively requires training, experience, advice, mentoring, peer support,, caution, patience and the wisdom to know that you don't know everything.
Thank you for doing the hard work of caring for others.
Your care matters!
Your life matters,
Chaplain Dan
Rev. Daniel R. Hettinger
303.905.0478
