When we care for people, we need to be careful with what we say.

In a caring situation, especially in sickness and grief,  when someone is hurting, an uninformed comment or a lame attempt to say something, when presence and listening would be best, often result in pain, sometimes long term damage.

Today I met a young woman who waited on me at the office supply store. Our conversation began around my printing needs but went transitioned to her way of life. She departed from her Christian roots when her dearly beloved grandfather died. He meant the world to her, as the kindest most supportive and caring man she knew. In her grief as a little girl, every pastor she talked too said those things we should never say. Instead of validating a little girls pain and loss, they gave theological answers that were intended to explain why "God takes people to Heaven."

Those answers did not make sense to a grieving little girl, and now, almost two decades later they still don't. The pain lingers and the memories of ineffective care do too.

This felt like one of those "Good Samaritan" opportunities that we need to be looking for. The store was not too busy so I asked her a few questions that gave her the opportunity to tell me her story and describe the grandfather that she so dearly loved.   I ended up being there for at least half-an-hour. She told me a lot of her story and vividly described the grandfather she still adores.

The misspoken words were not intended to do harm. They pastors had good intentions based upon their knowledge of the Scriptures. I don't entirely disagree with everything  they said, but I do think they were seriously off target and poorly timed with their advice. I confess that I have made similar mistakes.

I was reminded of a prayer that I have recently come across in my devotions.

"Oh God, you have made us for fellowship and have given us the power both to help and harm our fellows, grant us the wisdom to know what is their good and the ready will to help them to attain it. Heal those we have wounded, strengthen those whom we have failed. grant us all your healing grace, and make our fellowship to be your family, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen".

Norman B. Nash in Daily Prayer Companion in Disciplines of the Inner Life, by Benson, p. 136.

Let's do our best to learn how to support those who grieve and suffer, and let us also pray for healing for those we have harmed.