The spouse of a cancer patient needs to be cared for too.

Their experiences are different than the patient but they present a dramatic set of needs that should not be carried alone. Especially when the patient's needs are acute and much energy is focused on the disease process and their treatment and care, the needs of the supportive spouse can be overlooked and caring for their needs can be neglected. They may even feel guilty expressing their needs when their spouse is so sick.

I just passed the third anniversary from my diagnosis.

My wife aptly named my grade of Chondrosarcoma, "The least bad of the not good."

At the time of the diagnosis and for months to come, we were in a new world learning about a disease we had never heard of except in the general term "bone cancer." Our emotions were intense and all over the place, occasionally intersecting with the same feeling at the same time. But most of the time we were at different places in or thoughts, questions and feelings.

We as a couple went to the doctor and talk about the diagnosis and the needed surgery. We heard the news together and agreed on what to do. But we were two different people with two sets of needs. After the surgery when I was recovering, she participated with me.  She went to my appointments and observed most of my occupational and physical therapy sessions. Her routine was upset with a new set of chores and a hospital bed on the main floor of the house.

But beyond those obvious challenges, it was more complicated for a spouse because most of the time she watches and wonders when she can't feel what is actually happening inside of me during each moment and each step. I experience each day and every step. Because I deal with the effects of the surgery constantly, my recovery, physically, emotionally and spiritually is different, maybe even ahead, of her recovery.

I am thankful that God has given me healing and remarkable progress. Each set of scans over that past two years have produced the great news of "cancer free." I have a large scar and some nerve damage around my hip, but I have turned my therapy sessions into a exercise routine where I work out rigorously. Since my recovery, I have been able to jog, snow ski and climbed Grays Peak, one of Colorado's 14ers (14,000+ feet of elevation).

ONCE A CANCER PATIENT, ALWAYS A CANCER PATIENT

After the doctor examined my scar and hip, he said, about the numbness, tightness and tendencies to stiffen, “These will be a lifelong reminder of all that your body went through.” In other words, these results will remain.

We scheduled the next set of scans. Then I will get a CT scan of the pelvic area and the chest. As the doctor was walking out the door I asked, “Why do we need to do a CT of the chest?”
 
His answer helped me to understand what it means to be a cancer patient.
 
“That is the nature of cancer. You can’t just cut out cancer. There could be microscopic cells lying dormant that could become a problem. We need to be diligent.”
 
I understand that to mean, my tumor grew for an unknown reason. It had to be removed or, like a dandelion in the lawn, it would make seeds and spread. By removing it, we got rid of a big problem. But, that did not remove what caused it in the first place. We don’t know what caused some cells to go rogue and grow into a malignant tumor. That is why my tumor is registered in a database and frozen in a laboratory somewhere to be used for research. Understanding the cause of Chondrosarcoma is a major step to a cure of Chondrosarcoma.

Once a cancer patient, always a cancer patient--until they cure the cause. We live with hope that God will be adequate and always present no matter what. Caring friends will be His hands and feet of support in any way we need.

And, we live with greater awareness of the vulnerability of life and the value of care expressed by family and friends.We live with new appreciation for each day. We are thankful for my restored mobility and the ability to walk, jog, mow the grass, walk upstairs to the bedroom, take out the trash…

Be we also live with a new temptation of doubt and fear. I pray we will remember the lessons of this journey and live with greater intensity, purpose and trust in God. That usually comes from living out loud inside a caring relationship.
 
THE SPOUSE, ALSO, NEEDS TO RECEIVE CARE

As the patient, I need to remember that my spouse’s journey is different than mine. The destination may be the same, but the timing, process and coping methods are different because of the different perspective and experience.
 
The spouse of a cancer patient needs attention too.  The patient needs to recognize their spouse's needs and the spouse needs to understand their own needs too.

• The spouse needs someone to be present with them and hear their story—not the story of the patient.
• How does it feel to be going through this as a spouse?
• What are your worst fears?
• May I keep checking on you/or find a Stephen Minister/or someone to walk alongside you on this journey?

The support should come from someone outside the family because each of the family members has their own journey to consider. It might be more difficult to be honest with the frustrations and fears with a family member. There is the tendency to want to be strong and not pile on any more needs to the already dramatic situation. But there are more needs.
 

CARING FOR THE COUPLE WHEN CANCER IS INVOLVED

As a Pastor, Care Pastor or other form of caregiver, you can help the spouse remain healthy while the patient is working to get healthy.  When you walk alongside someone suffering with cancer, you will also have the opportunity to help the spouse. I hope this post draws attention to this need and offers a few questions that we can ask to help the spouse move in the right direction. Support groups exist through the American Cancer Society and Online, but there is nothing like a caring person to walk alongside a spouse, for the long-haul of a cancer journey.
 

Care matters for everyone! Let's offer the best care.

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