Anger that comes with grief is painful and frightening, both for the grieving person and the person in the other chair hearing the anger.
It is a normal expression of anguish about an event that is wrong, beyond control and painful.
"'I still feel overwhelming rage for the way Sarah died,' said Wendy to her pastor. Her six-year-old daughter had passed away from muscular dystrophy. 'Her death was so awful, so senseless, and all I could do was watch. I knew it was coming, but I'm still angry. I feel like shaking my fist at God. Why did God allow this to happen.'" (Care Notes, Dealing with the Anger That Comes with Grief, Les Parrott)
Anger, due to the intensity of the emotion and the volatility of the expression can destroy relationships and/or it can become toxic, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, to the griever. But at the same time it contains the potential for positive action and emotional healing.
How can we avoid the dangers of anger yet allow it to do its good work?
IDENTIFY AND ACCEPT YOUR ANGER
"Very early on, society teaches us that feelings and the expression of emotion are somehow not appropriate. This training starts with the admonition that 'big boys and girls don't cry.' The truth is that mature, healthy people need to cry and need to give into grief. And that means we may need to give into anger for a time as well. Losing something or someone important to us should make us angry. So not only do we need to give ourselves permission to grieve, but we need to allow ourselves to be angry too. If we bury our anger, it will only resurface when we least expect it." (Ibid.)
How could the mother see her child die and not be angry? How can we not be angry at the drunk driver that took the life of an innocent couple? How can we see injustice and not be upset? Beyond the "how", "why" should a person not be angry with the wrong of catastrophic losses?
We cannot, nor should we not be angry. Accept the anger.
EXPRESS YOUR ANGER CONSTRUCTIVELY
"'Anybody can become angry,' said Aristotle, 'that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way--that is not within everybody's power and it is not easy.' It's not easy to handle anger, but identifying who or what you are angry at in specific terms will help.
Take a moment and jot down
all of the possibilities. Journaling your anger may help. Are you angry at a person? A circumstance? Yourself? God? Be as specific as you can. You may find you are mad at more than one thing. List them all. By labeling the targets of your anger you will be better equipped to deal with them.
If you do not feel comfortable talking to a friend or family member about it, you might consider talking with a professional counselor, someone who will hold your feelings in confidence. Some way or the other talk it out with someone..." (Ibid.)
You may want to "pray your journal." God already knows you are angry, so confidently "approach the throne of grace" (Hebrews 4:16a) and express your need to him. Ask Him to comfort your pain, heal your wound, give you strength by His Spirit and commit the wrong to Him so He can make it right in His way and at His time.
When something as powerful as anger is going on inside of us or someone we are caring for, we must find a way to face it. Healthy caring does not run from, avoid or stifle anger.
When we care for a person we provide a safe, nonjudgmental and confidential place for a person to identify, accept and express their anger. Then anger will do a good work and drive people to redemptive actions and healthy grieving.
What you do matters!
Your life matters,
Chaplain Dan
Rev. Daniel R. Hettinger
303.905.0478
