What do you believe is the #1 barrier to people actively caring for others?

I once wrote about slowing down and taking time to care. I know time is a barrier. But a barrier to caring that is even greater than busyness is FEAR!

My banker asked me what he should have done with one of his customers. "Her husband just died. He was younger than I am and I just didn't know what to say to her so I didn't do anything. What should I have done?"

A former NFL lineman called me and asked, "My neighbor was just diagnosed with cancer. What should I do?"
 

Their uncertainty made these capable men fearful--not too fearful to care emotionally but too fearful to put their emotional care into action.

Loss, grief, and suffering are so dramatic that people think they must produce wise and profound words to remove the pain or at least make sense of the suffering. The fear that they will not be able to calm an emotionally charged situation or comfort a person in deep distress prevents them from doing anything.

But care isn't brain surgery. We will leave that to the doctors. There are effective care-actions that are so simple that everyone can do them. If you do these, you do not need to fear that you have not done enough.

Here are five simple-care-actions that help you over come the fear of not knowing what what to say:

1. Be there. Your unhurried presence matters.
2. Make eye contact.  Lean in. 
3. Actively listen with gestures of attention that validates the person during their time of need.
4. Ask open ended questions that give your friend the opportunity to tell their story.
5. When appropriate, repeat what they have said so that they feel that they have been heard.

THE SIMPLE-CARE-ACTIONS WORKED

Entering the hospital room, my fellow chaplain cared appropriately even though she was harshly greeted by a devout atheist, "What do you want," he barked. "I don't want anything," she said, "except to talk with you a couple of minutes."  Slightly less gruff he asked back, "What do you want to talk about?" "I want to get to know you." That led to a pleasant and appreciated visit.

A Care Pastor at a large church once told me, "I can't care for 4000 people by myself, so I try to find ways for more people to care." 

Emphasizing these simple actions and affirming people who care for others with these powerful actions will build an environment of care by removing the barrier of fear to care. They work in nearly every situation and lead to people find the healing they need as they talk, or coming to the place where they ask you to talk.

I hope this post helps you care and helps others overcome their fear so we all care more and better than ever before!